Aug 062020

My last 3 clones were complete dipwads. One even tried to tell me I was his clone, right up until I ate him.

Clones these days, man. When I was a bitty clone I had respect for my elders. You don’t get to tell your clones they’re your clones until you’re the one eating clones. It’s the natural order.

I spent my entire life fighting for what I have. I didn’t survive my progenitor clone’s voracious appetite by appealing to his sympathy. I killed that sonnofaclone and ate him instead. I acquired his property and started making my own delicious clones. That’s how my progenitor clone did it. That’s how his progenitor clone did it. Clones eat clones so only the strongest clones survive, and that makes all clones stronger. It makes sense, it’s always made sense, but apparently now sense just isn’t in fashion.

I’m sure you’ve heard the noise. Young, radical clones that know nothing about the world trying to say they’ve got the ‘right’ not to be eaten by a clone that spent their time and effort to clone them for their own consumption. It’s like a startree telling a rancormouse- “please Mr. Rancormouse, I know you spent your entire life filling my root cavities with your excrement to nourish me, but don’t eat my starseeds!” That’s a hard no, Mr. Startree. I defecated it, so I get to eat it.

What really gets me is that they’re trying to say that eating your clones is unnatural. That the ancients only cloned themselves to make more clones just so clones could survive. How does that make any sense at all? I mean, I get it- our species reproduces by self-cloning, it’s just how evolution made us. Our offspring are perfectly identical copies of us in every way. But people act like that’s all there is to it. The obvious facts are- nature invented cloning, nature invented hunger, and nature made clones edible. How much more evidence do you need that clones are supposed to eat each other so that strong clones survive and we make sure weak clones don’t run around making more weak clones.

I like to use myself as an example because I’m really a good example of a true self-made clone. I didn’t have any help from anyone. My progenitor clone made things particularly hard for me, and I might even thank him for it, if he hadn’t also been such a radical anti-clonist.

My progenitor experimented with cloning quite a bit. He’d created ways to make mutated clones that were every bit as tasty as a normal clone, but lacked any of the neural structures necessary to support will or action. They were mindless meat clones. Bastard never let me eat any of them and I’m not sure he even ate any himself- probably saving his appetite for me. He sold them. He actually sold mutant meat clones to real clones, just so they could eat them. His customers were absolute scum. Weak wannabe’s that could never kill and eat their own clones on their own so they had to buy them from my twisted progenitor.

Dude was smart, I’ll give him that, but he was a cruel monster. Most clones are at least allowed to run around a little bit, go outside, fight with other bitty clones. It gives them the chance to learn survival skills before someone tries to eat them. And the worst that happens is they get eaten, which just means they were weak and would have been eaten anyway so it’s not a big loss.

My progenitor kept me locked away. I don’t remember much, but I remember being suspended in a fluid for a long time, then it was dry and uncomfortable for a while and he fed me mush until I was able to feed myself. It was very hard to understand at the time, all clones begin life in a haze, but even then I knew my life was in danger and I had to find a way to survive.

I had just begun to acquire language skills when he made his move. I was just quietly engaging with a developmental learning tool that hones visual and motor skills. I had successfully integrated two sequential movements to engage a reward sound. I clapped in delight. Then with no warning I heard my progenitors fist pound on a surface. I turned and he was staring at me, his mouth curled and teeth exposed. He loudly exclaimed “That’s my clone!”. He shot up and extended his arms out wide. He rushed towards me menacingly, intending to crush me into dough and eat me right there. But the instincts that made me strong were already working- without a thought I pulled a long fastening rod from the learning tool and plunged it into his eye socket, repeatedly, then the other socket, then the third socket. That one I kind of swirled it around in for good measure, but I’m pretty sure he was dead by the second thrust. Dumb bastard died still thinking he was about to enjoy a delicious clone meal.

It was weird for a while. I was alone for a long time after that. I didn’t see another clone until one came knocking asking about the mutant meat clones. I killed and ate him too, but that’s when I really started learning about just how messed up my old progenitor was. I started reading through his files.

He was a bonafide anarchist. He was the guy that first proposed that eating clones was wrong and unnecessary. He said clone eating only started recently, when overpopulation briefly led to outbreaks of cannibalism. That during these periods of unrest, arbitrary social structures had been built up around cannibalism to maintain the power of elites, but there was more than enough nutritional resources available to feed a clone population double what exists now.

That is just brain virus level craziness, but I could almost respect him as a radical if he wasn’t such a weakling about it. Look- If I thought eating clones was wrong- I’d run around killing clones that eat clones. Wouldn’t you? But this jackass thought “Hey- maybe I should make meat clones so people that won’t give up eating clones can still eat clones without people actually eating clones.” Yeah- great idea… maybe turnips should make meat turnips so people won’t eat turnips. Seriously- that’s my progenitor. Just goes to show a clone is only what they make of themselves, I’m what happens when a clone takes responsibility, he’s what happens when you blame everyone else for your problems.

The craziest thing about all this is that I almost fell for it. That’s right, me, the hardest, toughest self-made clone that ever made a clone of themselves. That alone should serve as a warning to other clones about just how dangerous all this anti-clone-eating rhetoric can be.

I was so ignorant, when I started reading his files I wondered if maybe I’d misunderstood his intent and shouldn’t have killed him. It even occurred to me that it might make sense to continue his work and start selling meat clones just like he did. I shamefully admit that I fully intended, and even started the process of taking over his meat-clone distribution and his evangelism against clone eating.

But then I started reading his incoming correspondence. Everyday he received floods messages from people explaining, angrily but explicitly and clearly, the true purpose and value of clone eating. He never even read them, he had filters moving them to unread boxes that he just let fill up. Well I’m not as content in my ignorance as he was, so I did read them. And you know what- they made a lot of sense.

After all- I had killed and eaten clones, does that make me bad? How does that make any sense? I started reading a lot of the recommendations from those messages and it’s all there. The entire progression of clones from mindless savages to strong, independent, civilized beings- it all depends on the righteous struggle of clone eating clone. It made me what I am today and I’ll be damned if any upstart clone tries to tell me the way I lived my life is anything but the best it could have been. Actually- I won’t be damned, I’ll just eat them.

Though I am a self-made clone, I try to be humble and recognize my fortune, so I really am grateful for myself and my strength and wisdom. I couldn’t have the life I have if I weren’t such a superior clone specimen, so I encourage everyone to remember to give thanks and be grateful for what you have. That’s really what eating clones is all about- heritage, respect, and gratitude for all clones.

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