Dec 072007

*originally printed in Red Shtick Magazine – December, 2007 (pdf)

The current political debate over illegal immigration has little to do with science, or reason in general. However, when you think of immigrants as “aliens” and allude that this group may include extra-terrestrials, the debate begins to fall within the realm of pseudo-science and metaphysics, or something like that. That’s good enough for me.

Illegal aliens come in all shapes and sizes, including brown, black, and off-white. The illegality of their alienness also comes in troubling variety. The most heinous aliens are, of course, the ones that are called Aliens and drip corrosive mucus and have mouths inside their mouths. These illegals are well-documented perpetrators of murder and kidnapping, and there has to be some sort of rape charge when an Alien baby chews through your rib cage.

The most insidious aliens, however, do not have the decency to drip viscous fluids and look all scary. Some aliens do not bother to hiss and spit to warn that they are about to tear you several new ones and probably enlarge the old ones. Some aliens are cute. There are two things I learned from Kirk: You shouldn’t trust cute without hot, freaky, alien sex, and you should never trust cute. Captain Kirk never had sex with E.T. Think about it.
E.T. had a seminal influence on our culture and the way we think about illegal aliens. Five years after the second celebration of the tenth anniversary of E.T.’s visit to Earth, it is time to carefully consider what effect his short stay may have had on our culture. To this end, the remainder of this article will focus on developing a fair and accurate, social and scientific profile of this enigmatic, visa-less visitor.
The first thing we know about E.T.’s activities on Earth is that he was accidentally left here by his friends, who were most likely fleeing in haste after committing some petty crime or vandalism. Instead of turning himself in to the proper authorities and snitching on his friends, E.T. chose to willingly defy the U.S. government and went on the lam to escape justice. These actions are clearly those of a dishonest and malicious individual. Little further analysis is required to establish that E.T. was a remorseless sociopath, capable of any depravity. After his arrival, E.T.’s activities on Earth became progressively more disturbing.

To elude authorities, E.T. snuck around the edges of a suburban, middle-class neighborhood, preying on young, impressionable children. They were enticed by E.T.’s disarmingly stubby stature, amusingly long neck, and large, compassionate eyes. Children were not threatened by E.T., so they provided him sustenance, supplies, and contextual information about humanity. They were encouraged to deceive their parents, because children saw E.T. as something between a friend and a pet. Knowing that adults would see E.T. as a threatening anomaly, they hid him from their parents and boldly lied to cover their tracks. With gentle coercion of children, E.T. adeptly divided loyalties between families, and even between our species.

E.T. used his influence over children to support his indulgences. It is clear from his choice of Reese’s Pieces as his favorite sugar fix that E.T. was a long-term addict. Demanding a specific brand of candy shows a highly developed level of addiction. Much like an experienced heroine or cocaine user knows the quality of his score, E.T. chose only the highest-grade confections.

E.T. made no effort to assimilate into our culture; instead, he exposed our children to his debaucherous and immoral lifestyle. When he was not indulging his shocking transvestitism in dolls’ clothing, he was flaunting his androgyny by walking around nude, without any form of distinct genitalia.

These dangerously antisocial tendencies cannot be taken lightly, because E.T.’s iconic status is so empowered by his use of alien, tele-psychic voodoo. There are several instances in which E.T. directly violated our understanding of physics. In addition to powerful telekinetic abilities, he demonstrated the ability to telepathically get a little kid drunk. The remote intoxication of a minor may seem amusing to you, but that’s just because you are a terrible person.

E.T. was also purported to have healing powers, but this is unsubstantiated. The U.S. Justice Department maintains that E.T.’s finger has no medicinal value and it is a proven gateway digit, leading to the use of harder appendages. E.T.’s seemingly miraculous revival from the dead was no more than a possum trick, contrived to further confuse people who think that life and death are already too confusing.

In perhaps his most brazen act of treachery, E.T. single-handedly created a device which violated every conceivable FCC regulation and international trade agreement, and probably a local littering ordinance. E.T. was a little, alien MacGyver. Unlike MacGyver, E.T. did not employ his astonishing resourcefulness and technical skill to perpetually confound evildoers like Murdock. He used his gifts to illegally text message his homies using a jacked-up Speak & Spell™.

Modifying consumer electronics for dubious purposes is suspicious. Making illegal transmissions to unknown forces beyond our borders is an act of war. Making the United States look technologically inferior to little brown people is heresy. The obvious conclusion is that E.T. was a harbinger of doom and destruction, worthy of no less irrational hatred then we have for most brown people.

I hope that this profile has helped lay bare the true agenda of an illegal alien who claimed to come in peace, but exhibited antisocial and psychopathic tendencies which have had a strong influence on young men and women, even to this day. This analysis should be held as a warning against welcoming anyone into our community who exhibits any form of foreign behavior. The sophisticated and ancient traditions of a foreign culture are only manifestations of the inferiority of all foreign people, including and especially brown ones: the freeloading Mexicaterrestrials and, of course, the freedom-hating terroristestrials.