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words - Fight fire with fire. I'd like to point out that this saying is somewhat ridiculous. Yes it's true that in some cases, controlled burns and fire can be used to 'fight' fire. It definately sounds cooler than saying 'fight fire with foam' but lets be realistic. Rarely is fire effectively used as a fire retardant. And to juxtapose another syaing for ironic effect. Violence begats violence. I'm gonna play with that for a second. How about 'fight violence with violence'. 'Fire begats fire'. Humans are weird.

thinking caps - In an age of rising fuel prices and transportation problems, lets look at two possible alternatives to traditional road-transport system. Individual head-powered flight. Examples of such vehicles are the flying nun's headwings and the rotocopter-beanie-cap. These technologies could be adapted and mass-produced for short range travel. Vacationing could be done in migration flocks like geese or something. Advanced H2 power sources will evolve to power these vehicles but in the mean time we could use our imagination. Everybody all together now...

rage mobile - i think there would be alot less road rage if all city busses were shaped like food. Who can get pissed in traffic when the weiner-mobile is in you rear view mirror? I saw the weiner-mobile passing on an overpass once and it made my day. Granted the weiner-effect would wear off. but if we vary food groups and cities trade busses every now and then we could have a hilarious network of food shaped busses stopping road rage across the USA. Also they could serve the food they are shaped like.

time/expense ratio - how much did you spend on your car? how much did you spend on your bed and your favorite chair? how much time do you and your ass spend in your car? how much time do you and your ass spend in your bed and your favorite chair? maybe we should just put much nicer seats in cars or something. You can't really make cars that cheap.And I don't really think the cadillac of chairs and beds would be that screamin much better than a stool and the floor in a pinch. Of course there is the swedish sleep watever matress - bet thats expensive, so are those Herman Something Aeron chairs, man those are sweet. Oooh man me and my ass want one of those.

unconstitutional amendments - people talking about the sanctity of marriage is just people getting sanctimonious about marriage. Check out some stats on divorce rate and domestic violence, adultery, etc. We should have started protecting the sanctity of marriage along time ago. I am glad for people with happy marrages, i really, truly am. But with all the unhappy and violent marriages and divorces in the world between men and women, how is it protective of marriage to not allow two dudes or two chicks to get married if they got it to? How does that subtract from any other happy marriage? So what if some dude gets a sex change and marries another dude - he's a she, it's gross, but it's legal. Are we going to make an amendment against that? Good lord people are we really this fucking homophobic. Gay isn't contagious - you either are or you aren't - your neighbors being gay doesn't make you gay. Lets just make it illiegal for potheads and musicians to get married, there all faggots anyway.

no fear - as far as wars against nonhuman entities goes I prefer the war on hunger and the war on poverty. Lets rev those up too while we're at it. The war on drugs is a cruel joke and the war on terror, ironically, makes us scared. How about a war on stupid. p.s. I always thought no fear was a stupid logo.

beam me up - whoevers working on the transporter beam - lock on baby! Hurry the hell up. If I don't get beamed somewhere before I die I am going to kill gene rodennberry. Just kidding gene.

food bombs away. - when an evil dictator pisses us civilized nations off by starving his people and being cruel to them and such i propose this plan of action: fly over their country and drop ka-freakin-gillions of little packages of food. Must be well dispursed so nobody can horde too much. I mean drop a friggin ga-gillion of these things with medicine and books' and stuff. Hell it's expensive but it's a hell of alot cheaper than super sophisticated jets and smart bombs. How about this - we drop them some guns too!!! yeah, lots of guns Drop them all over the place - again, very well dispursed so that everyone has a gun. Then they will all be even and nobody can control them, right? They'll have a revolution and things will work themselves out in a couple hundred years. Worked here, right?

morbid, but true... - every year the anniversary of your own death passes without your knowledge. Actually this isn't my idea, I saw Dean say it on FUBAR.

extra-sensory preceptive pavlovian response - have you ever known that your cell phone was about to ring before it did? I submit that the the extra-sensory perception of radio waves allows human beings a premonition when a cell phone that they have owned for a considerable time is about to ring. Furthermore, owners may even know a phone is ringing regardless of proximity to that phone provided the owner is in the subscription area. Of course none of this has any basis in fact or research so don't get all freaked out or anything.

drinking and driving age - in this age of drinking and driving I propose to make supervised drinking legal at 16; alchohol purchase at 18; and raise the driving age to 21. As it is kids learn to drive young and when they are finally 21 (or 18 and well connected) they think they are the best driver in the world and a little alchohol wont impair them, they are so comfortable behind the wheel they don't even think about it. Changing the ages we will teach the young to drink responably and moderately since it wont be such an act of rebellion if it's legal. Then when they are 21 and can finally drive they recognise the responsibility and hopefully have learned to drink more responsably too. I know carpool is tough but lets take all the horny, stupid teenagers off the road, get some city busses, and let them party without driving around drunk.

ugly rumor - there is a nasty rumor circulating that this calhoun eldredge chump is just that goofy keyboard player for The Black Box. It is said that he is also the hack behind this sorry excuse for a website. These rumors are not unnecessarily not based on non-truths but have been fabricated by the alien mafia in an attempt to confuse me.

mandatory-sufferage - I'm open for suggestion here but lets seriously think about democracy, rights, and responsibility. We all live in the most powerful country in the world and less than half us us eligible to vote, do. Yet our taxes support a government which acts drasitcally on the world stage and effects the lives of the entire world. So I submit that in order to be a truly resposible citizen one must also responsibly vote. With this in mind lets consider some options: Mandatory voter education. What good does it do to have a totally ignotant voting population in running a free-republic. Were free to be shitheads to the rest of the world. Well how about this, an apathy tax. non-voters are taxed a small amount and that is used for voter registration, transportation, and education. Well, theres some stuff to chew on. I'm not suggesting a specific plan of action yet, but lets all think about it.

best freinds - i am not trying to step on any paws here, but think it might be time to promote primates to mans new other best friend. I love dogs, they are great. But no matter what you can't teach them to use a doorknob or make a sandwich or (eventually with genetic super-monkeys) to drive a car. I do not advocate outsourcing labor to other species. I just suggest that we start taking monkeys seriously as an option for a pet/domestic servant. Three or four spider monkeys working as a cohesive unit could clean twice as fast as a maid. Gorilla's could be great butlers/security guards. I am thinking Orangutans would be more in the groundskeeping service but with the advent of super-monkeys they could be used in precision landscaping. This will cost us jobs because these apes will need handlers and trainers, and as long as we don't teach apes about cash, booze and hookers they should be pretty agreeable to the whole thing after a few banannas. And we could train the retarded monkeys to compose rave music.

on drugs - about half the people i've know who do drugs really shouldn't do them, because they abuse them or use them excessively. About half the people i've know who don't do drugs should at least smoke some ganj if not warp their gourd with some psychedellics because they are too closeminded, angry and conflicted. So really drugs and people just need to achieve some sort of balance. Ooh Ooh i got an idea, lets make them illiegal and then persecute people who choose to use them and create a black market in which violent criminals thrive and then declare a hopeless civil war on drugs and the otherwise law abiding citizens who use them. Oh, wait, we already did. Great idea though.

pop this biatch - i am so sick of pop up things on the internet. why are most of mine offering to stop pop-up ads. WHY DON'T THEY JUST STOP??? and then i'm supposed to pay some company who makes software to stop pop up ads? This is recalculous! Lets whip the dough out these nerds! p.s. you virus-making people need to get over hating on bill gates (though he's not my hero by any means) and make your own fancy operating system or shut the hell up and use his to do something other than FUCK UP MY COMPUTER!!!

pyro-clepto - people who compulsivly steal lighters - thats pretty much everyone who smokes anything - these people are simply repsonding to a primal instinct to secure a source of precious fire. Like monkeys in a circus hoarding cigarettes or something. And no I didn't take your lighter, stop asking.

matt groening rules - indeed, lets give it up ya'll. Matt. Groening. However you pronounce it. He's the man. Thank you for everything. Whoever cancelled Futurama can bite my shiny metal ass. Unless it was Matt, in which case, i'm sure you had your reasons, much love bro.

birthday presents - i think people should give other people presents on their own birthday. Give your friends presents on your birthday, give presents to people who made that year a good one to be on the planet. On the day your born you did nothing at all for yourself, every single thing is done for you, so to celebrate, why not give a little back. I'll try to do this myself, but i'll probably be broke on my birthday and just get ya'll a card or something.

voting - vote, seriously folks, vote. And if i ever run for office then vote solely on the basis of which candidate is the most like me. unlsess my clone is running against me - in which case just vote your conscience.

monocles are cool - i hereby declare monacles to be cool and back in style. Thats right, the little glass thing on a chain you jam in your eye and look all brittish. There cool again. glasses are for suckers. Contact lenses', Lasik? no way - if it don't have a chain hangin' from it I wont jam it in my eye socket.

anti-projectile labs think tank - if I ever get a crap load of money I am going to set up an endowment for a think tank dedicated to nullifying the power of projectile weapons. I will hire engineers, chemists, physicists, ballistics experts, and anyone else to figure out a billion diffrent ways to prevent the harmful effects of projectile weapons. Anywhere from a gas that makes a primer inert to a magnetic feild powerful enough to jam a bullet in a barrel. I do not claim that this will end all human suffering but this is what I want to do. If you have any ideas on how to stop projectile, especially small arms fire, please share your idea and maybe we can make it work.

education reform - anybody else have a rough time in middle school. Puberty sucks and being stuck in a massive public school surrounded only by other puberty maddened kids is just a bad idea. I know it's more efficient financially to split schools up as they do but assembly line education is just moronic for children. I propose to put kids back in K-6 then 7-12. When your in 6th grade and all you have to look up to is an 8th grader it's just not that inspiring. I'd like to see some research on this but it seems common sense. I mean seriously, I know i'm not the only one who had a miserable time in middle school. Of course as I said - puberty sucks.

global pride baby - people should stop being so proud that they are citizens of a certian country and start being proud that they are human baings on earth. Morover that they are human beings at all. In fact lets just place the highest value on self-awareness and sentience and never discriminate within those lines. Hopefully this should help us avoid major conflicts with aliens or artificial intelligence.

monkeys are universally hilarious - well thats just it, still trying to come up with a working theory on that one. Something to do with primal communications and whatnot. Like they all have some instinct that we lost. Like being a monkey is like every other monkey is a hilarous physical comic like Farley and Chaplain and Belushi. That would be sweet - your best friends are farley, chaplain and belushi just running around being nuts. And I get to be chevy chase, as a monkey.