{"id":1013,"date":"2007-12-07T10:00:26","date_gmt":"2007-12-07T10:00:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/?p=1013"},"modified":"2011-08-21T09:06:38","modified_gmt":"2011-08-21T09:06:38","slug":"blinded-with-science-e-t-illegal-alien","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/?p=1013","title":{"rendered":"Blinded with Science – E.T.: Illegal Alien"},"content":{"rendered":"

*originally printed in Red Shtick Magazine – December, 2007<\/a> (pdf<\/a>)<\/p>\n

The current political debate over illegal immigration has little to do with science, or reason in\u00a0general. However, when you think of immigrants as \u201caliens\u201d and allude that this group may\u00a0include extra-terrestrials, the debate begins to fall within the realm of pseudo-science and\u00a0metaphysics, or something like that. That’s good enough for me.<\/p>\n

Illegal aliens come in all shapes and sizes, including brown, black, and off-white. The\u00a0illegality of their alienness also comes in troubling variety. The most heinous aliens are, of\u00a0course, the ones that are called Aliens and drip corrosive mucus and have mouths inside their\u00a0mouths. These illegals are well-documented perpetrators of murder and kidnapping, and there\u00a0has to be some sort of rape charge when an Alien baby chews through your rib cage.<\/p>\n

The most insidious aliens, however, do not have the decency to drip viscous fluids and look\u00a0all scary. Some aliens do not bother to hiss and spit to warn that they are about to tear you\u00a0several new ones and probably enlarge the old ones. Some aliens are cute. There are two\u00a0things I learned from Kirk: You shouldn’t trust cute without hot, freaky, alien sex, and you\u00a0should never trust cute. Captain Kirk never had sex with E.T. Think about it.
\nE.T. had a seminal influence on our culture and the way we think about illegal aliens. Five\u00a0years after the second celebration of the tenth anniversary of E.T.’s visit to Earth, it is time to\u00a0carefully consider what effect his short stay may have had on our culture. To this end, the\u00a0remainder of this article will focus on developing a fair and accurate, social and scientific\u00a0profile of this enigmatic, visa-less visitor.
\nThe first thing we know about E.T.’s activities on Earth is that he was accidentally left here\u00a0by his friends, who were most likely fleeing in haste after committing some petty crime or\u00a0vandalism. Instead of turning himself in to the proper authorities and snitching on his friends,\u00a0E.T. chose to willingly defy the U.S. government and went on the lam to escape justice.\u00a0These actions are clearly those of a dishonest and malicious individual.\u00a0Little further analysis is required to establish that E.T. was a remorseless sociopath, capable\u00a0of any depravity. After his arrival, E.T.\u2019s activities on Earth became progressively more\u00a0disturbing.<\/p>\n

To elude authorities, E.T. snuck around the edges of a suburban, middle-class neighborhood,\u00a0preying on young, impressionable children. They were enticed by E.T.’s disarmingly stubby\u00a0stature, amusingly long neck, and large, compassionate eyes. Children were not threatened by\u00a0E.T., so they provided him sustenance, supplies, and contextual information about humanity.\u00a0They were encouraged to deceive their parents, because children saw E.T. as something\u00a0between a friend and a pet. Knowing that adults would see E.T. as a threatening anomaly,\u00a0they hid him from their parents and boldly lied to cover their tracks. With gentle coercion of\u00a0children, E.T. adeptly divided loyalties between families, and even between our species.<\/p>\n

E.T. used his influence over children to support his indulgences. It is clear from his choice of\u00a0Reese\u2019s Pieces\u00a0as his favorite sugar fix that E.T. was a long-term addict. Demanding a\u00a0specific brand of candy shows a highly developed level of addiction. Much like an\u00a0experienced heroine or cocaine user knows the quality of his score, E.T. chose only the\u00a0highest-grade confections.<\/p>\n

E.T. made no effort to assimilate into our culture; instead, he exposed our children to his\u00a0debaucherous and immoral lifestyle. When he was not indulging his shocking transvestitism\u00a0in dolls\u2019 clothing, he was flaunting his androgyny by walking around nude, without any form\u00a0of distinct genitalia.<\/p>\n

These dangerously antisocial tendencies cannot be taken lightly, because E.T.’s iconic status\u00a0is so empowered by his use of alien, tele-psychic voodoo. There are several instances in\u00a0which E.T. directly violated our understanding of physics. In addition to powerful telekinetic\u00a0abilities, he demonstrated the ability to telepathically get a little kid drunk. The remote\u00a0intoxication of a minor may seem amusing to you, but that’s just because you are a terrible\u00a0person.<\/p>\n

E.T. was also purported to have healing powers, but this is unsubstantiated. The U.S. Justice\u00a0Department maintains that E.T.’s finger has no medicinal value and it is a proven gateway\u00a0digit, leading to the use of harder appendages. E.T.’s seemingly miraculous revival from the\u00a0dead was no more than a possum trick, contrived to further confuse people who think that life\u00a0and death are already too confusing.<\/p>\n

In perhaps his most brazen act of treachery, E.T. single-handedly created a device which\u00a0violated every conceivable FCC regulation and international trade agreement, and probably a\u00a0local littering ordinance. E.T. was a little, alien MacGyver. Unlike MacGyver, E.T. did not\u00a0employ his astonishing resourcefulness and technical skill to perpetually confound evildoers\u00a0like Murdock. He used his gifts to illegally text message his homies using a jacked-up Speak\u00a0& Spell\u2122.<\/p>\n

Modifying consumer electronics for dubious purposes is suspicious. Making illegal\u00a0transmissions to unknown forces beyond our borders is an act of war. Making the United\u00a0States look technologically inferior to little brown people is heresy. The obvious conclusion\u00a0is that E.T. was a harbinger of doom and destruction, worthy of no less irrational hatred then\u00a0we have for most brown people.<\/p>\n

I hope that this profile has helped lay bare the true agenda of an illegal alien who claimed to\u00a0come in peace, but exhibited antisocial and psychopathic tendencies which have had a strong\u00a0influence on young men and women, even to this day. This analysis should be held as a\u00a0warning against welcoming anyone into our community who exhibits any form of foreign\u00a0behavior. The sophisticated and ancient traditions of a foreign culture are only manifestations\u00a0of the inferiority of all foreign people, including and especially brown ones: the freeloading\u00a0Mexicaterrestrials and, of course, the freedom-hating terroristestrials.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

*originally printed in Red Shtick Magazine – December, 2007 (pdf) The current political debate over illegal immigration has little to do with science, or reason in\u00a0general. However, when you think of immigrants as \u201caliens\u201d and allude that this group may\u00a0include extra-terrestrials, the debate begins to fall within the realm of pseudo-science and\u00a0metaphysics, or something like […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[10],"tags":[39],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1013"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1013"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1013\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1014,"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1013\/revisions\/1014"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1013"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1013"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/funkboxing.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1013"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}